Change
by Neko-jin Rogue
Summary: Darkfic, AU, Futuristic, Soft Yaoi. Vegeta first person introspective. Everything changes over time. How much time does it take? How much time do you have? What if you have too much. More than you ever wanted. More than you ever really knew you had.


This is the product of three hours of condensed Algebra at nine am in the morning. Nothing like a few hundred math functions and inequality equations to make your mind wander and get your creativity flowing.  


Two weeks worth of summer school and a visit to a site of childhood trauma and this is what you get.  


This is a one-shot… but I can see how I might continue it if Algebra class continues the way it has…  


**Author: **Rogue

**Rating: **PG ?

**Pairing: **What do you think? Truthfully, I had no intention of having any pairing in this but as it evolved it inadvertently gained one.

**Warnings: **I really can't think of much… Dark. Angst. Very soft yaoi. Sadness. Introspection. Suggestions of death. First person internal. Futuristic AU. I wrote it the way it is on purpose so just read. 

**Mandatory Disclaimer: **Oh please… Do I really have to think of something witty after writing this?

**"Going Down In Flames"**  
  
Don't tell me what to think   
Cause I don't care this time  
Don't tell me what you believe  
Cause you won't be there  
To catch me when I fall  
But you'll need me when I'm not here at all  
Miss me when I'm gone again, yeah  
  
I'm going down in flames  
I'm falling into this again, yeah  
I'm going down in flames  
I'm falling into this again  
  
Don't tell me how life is  
Cause I don't really want to know  
Don't tell me how this game ends  
Cause we'll just see how it goes  
Catch me when I fall  
Or you'll need me when I'm not here at all  
Miss me when I'm gone again, yeah  
  
I'm going down in flames  
I'm falling into this again, yeah  
I'm going down in flames  
I'm falling into this again, yeah  
  
Now, I'm all the way down here  
I'm falling   
I'm all the way down here  
I'm falling down again  
I'm falling down  
I'm falling down  
I'm falling down  
  
I'm going down in flames  
I'm falling into this again,  
I'm going down in flames  
I'm falling into this again  
  
Now, I'm all the way down here  
I'm falling   
All the way   
All the way down here  
I'm falling down again now I'm falling down****

(by 3 Doors Down)

**~Change~**

I've been gone a long time. Yet again, I find myself pondering it. Thinking about the past. What was… What is… What is to come…  
I'm tired.

It's such a worthless sentiment but it is all too true.

There was a time when it didn't affect me so much but all things change given time.  
…All things change.  
Is that true?  
*All* things?

Maybe so. Must I admit that? Does it even matter? Not really. Not with all things considered.   
I once wished for eternal life.  
I know better now.  
That is one thing that has changed.

The thought makes me laugh dryly. Immortality is over-rated. It almost seems like a joke now, after all this time. What else has changed, I wonder. The question draws a frown across my brow. How long has it been?  
Years.  
Decades.  
Centuries?  
I stopped counting. Everyone measures time differently out here anyway. There is no empire to keep order anymore. No one ruler. It has been that way since the fall of the Ice-jin's planet trade. Some had tried to restore order but none of them had been strong enough to control or gather the space faring races together again.  
*I* had kept clear of it all. Ruefully I must admit that that is another thing that has changed. I paid those fools no mind. I have no wish to rule the galaxy nor to be ruled. I am content to make my own way, do as I choose, and live however I please.   
Survive.  
I've done it relatively well.  
There's always a living to be made by someone like me. Death is one trade that hasn't gone out of fashion and never will. It is one thing that I have always known. A talent. A jealous mistress who demands as much as she provides but then again… I've always played the high stakes.   
Sometimes I enjoy it.  
Sometimes.  
I like the hunt. Everything else is trifling.  
But I don't like to be hunted.  
I am tired of being hunted.  
I'm just tired.

I've lived longer than I ever should have. Longer than I ever thought I would. All my old enemies have all fallen away, whether by my own hands or merely through the passage of time... I haven't kept track of that either. Though, it seems that with each disappearance others have sprung up to fill the gaps. Sometimes it amazes me that I've lived so long. When I look back on it I see only a long dark path of bloodshed and pain. My own. Others'. Just a continuous feeling of anger and emptiness with momentary glimpses of other things that never stay.   
The longest glimpse I had was while I lived on earth. Even then I had been restless and dissatisfied. I am not made for peace. I excel in battle. I am at my best through strife.   
And yet…

I'm laying here in this worm-eaten – I recall the earth term because that is just what the cracked ceiling and crumbling walls look like. I'm laying here on a stiff mattress, reeking of smoke and bodies, in this seedy stopover on a no account thieves' port at the ass-end of the galaxy and all for a few credits and a little sport.   
Hn. A *few* credits?  
I suppose that eighteen million credits deserve a bit more enthusiasm than that but the price was set high for a reason.   
And *that* is the cause for this sudden bout of introspection...   
I know that this has truly become a game to me when I must remind myself of things like that. Again I post the question to myself.  
Is it worth it?  
Is the game worth it this time?  
The answer is simple.   
The game is always worth it. That isn't the real question, is it?

Do I want to play the stakes?  
That is the question.

What happens now?  
That depends on the answer.

Do I want to play the stakes? They've never been higher, that's for sure… No. That's a lie. It's just been a very long time.  
I'm so tired but I can't close my eyes.  
The decision is waiting.

I'm tired of the game.  
But that doesn't matter right now.  
What happens if the stakes are too high this time?  
That answer is simple too.  
The game will have ended.

That thought does not affect me as it once would have. I've known this for a while. It has sat on the edge of my mind for some time. It disturbed me at first and I tried to hold it at bay, tried to keep it down.   
Yes. Things change.

I don't mind if it ends.

In fact, I've waited for it during each and every hand played for quite a while now. I've expected it. Accepted it. Watched for it.   
But I've never looked for it.

Does the fact that I question myself now mean that I am looking for it?  
Maybe.

So…  
That's the way it is…

I sit up and look to the wall, not really seeing it.   
Can I accept that?  
I know I already have.  
I consider everything I am, everything I have.

I consider that phrasing again just to make sure.  
Yes. All expendable.

Nothing left unfinished?

That, I ponder for a few moments as well. I must think back on that one. Anything left unfinished? My answer is not so sure and it comes slowly.   
No.  
Not really…  


To end the game. It does appeal to me. To finally end it. It should not have gone on so long but I have never been able to let it go before. I used it to shape myself. It is part of who I am.  
I snort wryly.  
Some things really do change. I don't want it anymore.

What if it doesn't end?  
Then it will continue.

What if it doesn't?  
What if… I decide not to play?

The game goes on whether I play or not. It will draw me back in.

What if I just don't play? What if I stop right now and don't play this round?

I smirk to myself. Not take the risk? Not press the challenge? Merely to avoid spilling my hand? Never. Some things never change  
I stand now, gathering what little I carry with me. I never did keep much. It only forces you to have to take more into consideration. I've never been very considerate.

After I exit the crude rooming house I shift into that age old familiar frame of mind. Senses aware and alert, body fluid and ready, tense and yet expectantly relaxed, following shadowed pathways between grimy buildings and sordid nightspots. Bars and trade-shops teem with beings whose eyes miss little as I pass. Most know enough to keep their distance, as do I. Avoiding certain groups, alliances, societies, and other hunters is what you must learn to do to keep your vitals intact in places like this. I never needed protection so never approached any societies. I have never wanted alliances. Only other hunters concern me and I have almost always kept my own company.  
As I walk I continue to ponder the topic that has made me hesitate this time. My mind is already made up. I will play this hand, however it ends. And when it is over… The game will end. One way or another.

I almost don't realize that I've reached my objective. How foolish of me. So now it begins.  
A voice reaches out to me and it does not surprise me that I am known or expected. The price was set for a reason. I am relaxed, as always. As I have been a hundred, a thousand, thousands of times before. I've met countless others like him, dealt with them countless ways. Some have been afraid, some begged for their worthless lives, some bought their lives from me for a scant extension which I always called forth the when the time came. Some met me with cocky disdain and died with a look of shock or hatred on their faces. This man…

I step forth and show myself at his command and he shows no fear. Nor does he gloat and posture. He meets me gaze for gaze and his eyes are cold.   
I do not state my purpose. He knows it already. I do not move from where I stand. He makes the first move and that is what surprises me.

"I wondered when you'd come. Took longer than I thought."

He thinks a lot of himself, expecting my attention, but then again, he has every reason to. I don't normally hunt others that match my skill level, there are not that many around, but this one is worth the struggle. His voice is typical of his kind, a low rasping hiss. I correct myself. *Was* typical of his kind. It had surprised me as little does now when I learned of him. I had thought his race destroyed long ago. "Hn." I reply sparingly. I am not here to talk. In a moment anything said will be meaningless one way or another. He does not seem to agree.

"You are just as I remember you." He pauses but his expression does not change. "Or maybe not… You were grinning then and splattered with blood… The destruction you wrought alone was enough to make me remember… but the way you looked…"

My face does not change. This does not astonish me. I've dealt with enemies bearing grudges before. Many of them. They are all too easy to come by. "Your memories are meaningless to me. You know why I am here. I don't care why *you* are here."  
He steps forward and I see him for the first and last time. He is old. His skin, leathery and tough, scales shining in the artificial light while his tail swings lazily through the air.   
I disregard the apparent age. Looks can be deceiving. He holds himself with an easy grace that I can clearly see.

"I watched you slaughter my whole world. My life. My existence. You destroyed everything… And you laughed as you did it."

I don't remember what he claims but I believe him. Whether I remember or not, I know I did it. My purging days blended together even when they were fresh and the bloodlust could still be felt from them. "I've destroyed countless worlds and races. Yours was nothing special."   
I say it emotionlessly. It is the truth. I feel no regret for it. I feel nothing. No pride. No scorn. No remorse. Nothing but cold calculating emptiness.

"As have I." My eyes narrow at his reply.   
"I escaped your destruction and vowed revenge. So long ago... I lived my life searching for you, craving to spill your blood, to tear you apart and put to rest the souls of all those who cannot gain their own retribution. Then you vanished and I was left with burning hate and nothing more for a long time. I admit that I was startled when you reappeared. I've managed to keep track of your travels since then. Waiting."

The speech fails to move me. So what? A derelict survivor of a dead race seeking atonement? It is far too familiar for more than a bored grunt to rise from me.   
"Well here I am. Get on with it if you think you can." He still makes no move. He just studies me. His cold red eyes staring into my icy black ones.

"Why?" He asks. "What reason is there? I learned your story. You are just like me. The last of your kind, left without a home, a race, or allies of any kind. Made to serve another for your livelihood. Left with nothing but your skills and memories. What would it mean to the dead? I feel no hatred toward you now. You and I… We've paid our debts. If anything, I pity you because I know you too well."

His words stir something up. Something that has been dormant long enough that I've forgotten exactly what it used to feel like. I almost prefer the dull numbness over it. This being knows me? It is possible. Everything is possible. Does it matter? No. I can see it in his eyes. The numbness. We are the same? Perhaps. We both know that bland feeling? The gray that strips you of emotion, of passion, of rage and hate. The nothingness that encroaches when what you held most important loses meaning. I don't even know when it truly lost meaning for me. It passed me by without my notice and now seems far behind.  
I continue to stare at him intently. So he claims not to want revenge. Took a long time, didn't it? I did not speak the sarcastic question, forsaking it for another.

For an instant he seems surprised but it passes.

"I see no reason to kill you." He says after a pause.

"That is irrelevant." I reply calmly. "Enough wish to kill me. One less makes no difference. I intend to kill *you*. Not because I care or hate, not for whatever sins you have committed or who you are. I am going to kill you for the bounty on your head. Plain and simple."  
He stares at me silently for a short moment and finally his sharp is nod the only movement he makes.

"So be it. I will not let you succeed. You will meet your end here, Prince of Saiyajin."

He speaks my title. A title I have long since thrown away. One that is of no use to me, that gives me nothing and takes much.  
'Yes. I do.' I agree silently with him.   
This clash will prove to be even more difficult than I predicted if what he says is true. The most dangerous opponent is one who has nothing to lose. What happens when both combatants have no fear?

*****************

I lean against the wall that I fell against.  
How long have I stumbled through the shadows? I don't know. Numbness encompasses me once more though every movement sends lashes of physical pain throughout my body.  
I burn but my limbs are frozen. Looking down I see only black coating me, my hands, my clothes, the wall I lean against. My eyes drift shut but I force them open again. Despite my condition I press onward, dragging my trophy. I survived the hand played. Whether or not I've won this round still waits to be seen. Above all else, I resolve not to die here, not in this place.   
That feeling has stayed with me. The one that this nameless foe caused to rise from its slumber. It lies burrowed beneath the numbness but is still there.  
I glance down at the burden I carry. Are we the same, you and I? No. Not the same. I have one ally. Somewhere.  
I make my way to my ship and reach it only after what seems like a very long time. Too long. A black trail shows the path I have taken to any who might wish to follow. I pressed my luck and skill far this time. There is little of either left in me.

Finally. The engines hum beneath my now limp form.   
I should just let go. I pushed too far and now it's over. I close my eyes and let go. Let go of all that still holds me. 

I won't play anymore.

******************

It has been a long time. I am not sure whether it is more or less than I thought. Very little is left of what I once knew. Even the stones are worn and weathered. 

I feel him come. I can smell the remnants of spent fuel on him. He went to my landing site before seeking me out here. He is surprised to see me. He looks the same. Very much the same though maybe calmer, not so foolish. Perhaps he has grown up a little while I have just settled. He greets me and I cast him a very calm, very small smile.  
I've surprised him again.

I turn and walk away.   
I have spent long enough with the dead. That derelict was right. It means nothing to the dead to stand over their graves. It only means something to the living. Am I living?  
He watches me go.

*******************

I am sitting on the shore when he surfaces. This is the first time I have sought him out since I landed and he has left me alone since our first meeting. I have spent my short time here sitting alone and thinking. Again he's surprised. I've disturbed him but he recovers and drags out the large fish to throw with the other two. He asks how I am and I turn to look out over the water, considering it.   
How am I?  
I'm still alive. I'm here. Beyond that? Is there anything beyond that?

"Tired." He seems to think about my simple answer for a moment. "And you?"

Am I truly acting so strange for him to look at me like that? I suppose so. I guess he's never seen me like this. I left a long time ago. Long before things changed. Before I stopped… caring? That doesn't seem to be the right word but I feel no urge to find another.   
After a moment he smiles and reclaims his bright mood, telling me everything he's done, all he's learned, sharing the passage of time. I listen to him, thinking about how strange it feels. It occurs to me that it is something I seldom ever did before.  
Actually listen to him.  
He notices it too.  
Maybe he *has* grown after so long to be able to notice these subtle things. Or maybe I never gave him enough credit.   
I'm sure I'll never know.

We sit here for a while and he talks, telling of battles he has fought and warriors he has trained and any number of other things that I would and will never hear from any other source. Unimportant and trivial things. Things that have no part in my life. I find it strangely soothing. It is such a change from the norm. When did I gain such patience?  
He trails off finally and looks at me. I think he is wondering the same thing.

He stands again and invites me to come with him. The expression on his face shows that he knows I won't but he asks anyway.   
Some things never change.  
He almost can't fathom it when I agree.

****************

It's been days now. A string of pleasant, quiet, lazy days. I haven't counted how many. Relaxed days filled with inactivity and patient reflection. He acts as though he expects something more but never says a word. I know he is still marveling over the fact that I refused to fight him, refused to test his strength or my own.   
"Why?" I asked him when he offered. "I do not wish to kill you. I see no reason for it." It was an echo of the past and I knew it.  
He stared at me, dumbfounded. It still brings a faint smile to my lips.  
"I have nothing to prove."

He considered that and then he smiled and his smile held many things. But I suppose I said many things in that last small phrase.   
I've done everything else he has asked but that. That alone, the mere fact of my silent acquiescence, has thrilled him and made a small confused frown crease his brow all at the same time.

He enters the room and grins happily when he sees me stretched out on his couch and watching the rising sun spill through the windows. He is still surprised to see me each day but he never says a thing about it.   
He is still so much the same. Still so bright and carefree I appreciate that now. I appreciate it more than anything else. Now.  
It took so long to make me see. It took so much before I could.

I stand and follow, walking slowly to the kitchen to watch him scavenge for food. I've barely spoken to him all this time. I find I have little to say most of the time but he doesn't mind. He always has something to say.

Right now I must find the words.

"Thank you, Kakarotto." My voice sounds dry to me. "I am glad that you've been well. I wondered from time to time."

He immediately stops what he is doing as I knew he would.   
"You're leaving?"  
I nod silently and he shakes his head in denial.  
"But you just came back!"

"I've probably stayed too long already."

He frowns and I do not move from the doorway where I lean, relaxed against the doorjamb. "What do you mean too long? I thought… I thought you were going to stay…"

I know he wants me to stay. He always did. I still remember the day I left. The look on his face when I mocked and degraded him and swore I wouldn't return to this worthless place… or to him. It had been the first time in decades and decades that I saw him angry. Truly angry. At me. And I had enjoyed it. I liked knowing that I had made him feel hate and anger just as I did.  
Now I know better.   
But it doesn't matter anymore.

I can see it in his face even before he speaks. He remembers too. He looks away. He doesn't want to hear it again. He doesn't want to know it all over again. But he doesn't let that stop him. He never let his fears hold him back. He's always been that way. I'm glad he's still the same.  
"I want you to stay." His voice is so low.

I'm steady. Unshakable. Closed. Cold? Not so much. Not anymore. Not so numb. But it doesn't matter.   
"I can't."

He turns sharply to me. "You… can't?"  
Hope spins into his eyes. Hope I don't want to see. Hope because I did not say what he feared. Hope that will not last. "Why?"

He puts it to me and I answer. He deserves the answer. I cannot deny him it.   
"I have only one ally, only one friend."

He positively glows from hearing me say that. I am sure he never dreamed he would ever hear such a thing from me. But it does not raise my spirit, it does not change anything. I know what my future holds. I know how I will face it and I know how the game will end.  
"I only came to put old ghosts to rest. I wanted to see for myself that everything is still good."

"I've missed you, Vegeta. It's been so lonely without you."

That manages to reach through my shell. I'm not afraid of the emotion anymore. I'm not afraid of anything anymore.  
"Many things follow me. I won't bring them here. This place was my home. I won't endanger it. I must go."

He comes close and I find myself looking up at him. His hands are warm on my shoulders. A warmth I haven't felt in forever. His face is so close. He's smiling that bright smile that I once found so disgusting. It makes the cold inside fade.  
"We can stand up to anything. You and me. We're so strong. Together nothing can face us, no one can beat us. Stay with me. Stay with me this time, Vegeta."

It is not true. I know that. Not against the whole of the galaxy. I know the ways in which they will come. It is nothing he knows. He hasn't seen the like since I first came to earth to kill him. But my response is silenced by the press of his lips on mine and I am helpless.  
The kiss is gentle and filled with emotion and longing. It captivates me and warms me and makes that pain deep inside intensify a hundredfold. The pain that has been a dull ache for so long that it is a part of me.  
Now it manifests and grows until it chokes the very air from my throat but so long as his lips rest on mine, I know I will survive it. Time stops. For an instant all things fall into place and I feel whole and at peace while a yearning tears me apart and destroys me bit by bit.  
Our lips part so slowly and it is as if he is drawing my very life away with those lips. How could I have ever been such a fool? But I still am a fool.

His eyes are glistening as he stares down at me. I have to search to find my voice and it is tinged with a shadow of regret. Such a rare emotion for me.   
"I know what my future holds. I've accepted it." I pause knowing that I should stop. I should end it here. I should walk away now. But I can't. "I'm tired... Nothing good will come of my presence here."  
I reach up and lay my hand against his throat. Feeling the heat of his skin. The pulse of his life beat is so strong beneath it. 

How many times has this hand felt that life beat give way to death? How many times has it been the cause? The blood of millions stains these fingers and so does his. 

I find myself speaking as I watch his pulse. "I met someone a few months ago. He was a pirate and a killer known throughout the far edge of the galaxy. Cold blooded and dangerous and as strong as the strongest still roaming space." He watches me intently. This is the most I've spoken to him all at once in what seems so much like forever.  


"He was the last of his race. I destroyed his planet in my youth and he carried that with him all this time. He showed me something about myself that I had thought long lost. I nearly died then. …I've lost the will to fight, Kakarotto. Of everything I've lost, it took that to make me realize what I once threw away. I came to see you. To make sure you still thrived, as you always do. I knew that if I didn't do so now, that I might never. …So I came and here you are. You've always been a better man than I and I am grateful for it… And now I'm going."

His eyes are red-rimmed now and he puts his arms around me, whispering into my ear.  
"Don't talk like that, 'Geta. Look at us. We're all that's left. We're all that still remember. There's no one else. We need each other. I need you. You never listened to me before. Listen to me now. I need you. Stay. Whatever follows, we can deal with it. If you're tired you can rest. I've protected this place and I will keep doing it. I'll protect you, Vegeta, and you can rest. Don't leave me again."

My eyes close and I lean into his comforting embrace. An embrace I have never before allowed but, at this moment in the ever flowing river of time, it feels so vital.   
I am silent and the instant stretches on to a millennia but then I pull away.

"I never accepted your protection before. I still do not. I know my fate. I've been waiting for it. I will not turn away from it."  
The pain in him bleeds into me, making my own unbearable.

"Let me come with you."

"No. This is your place. You belong here. You always have. Protect our home." My voice is steady and commanding and sure. It is the truth. It is the way it always has been. The way it should be.

One last meeting.   
One last sight.   
One last touch.   
One last breath.   
One last taste.   
He returns my kiss desperately. Soft skin parting in bittersweet valediction.   
One last remembrance to erase the past.

"I will not bring my fate here. I will not share it with you. Seeing you has given me more than I ever deserved. Thank you. Goodbye, Kakarotto."

*****************

Here I am again in the darkness of space. Here with all the things that I know the best. The game found me sooner than I thought it would. It is good that I left when I did.

My scorned mistress seeks satisfaction.  
I can almost feel her darkness gathering around me like a cloak. Cold and soothing, inviting me to dance. I am always ready to dance with her.

Icy blank eyes take in my partner for this round. This Mastiff is stronger than that old derelict was. This should be a challenge. A numb smile flits over my tired features. I always stand to a challenge and the stakes are very high. Again.

Good.

Come. Show me my hand. I'm ready to play it.

**"Speculum"**  
  
There's so many people dying  
You complain about your situation  
What about me?  
Half the world wouldn't know  
What it's like to lose your seed  
Maybe you can understand  
  
(How I feel)  
I cannot reach that soul  
You're probably watching over us  
Know that I think of you  
It's killing me  
  
The guilt has lasted years, still cry  
It was all planned out  
Why was I last to know?  
Don't you trust in me?  
The table's cold, it's too late  
To make up for these mistakes  
Maybe you can't understand  
  
(How I feel)  
I cannot reach that soul  
You're probably watching over us  
Know that I think of you  
It's killing me  
(How I feel)  
If I would have known   
I can't say what I would have done   
If you could forgive  
I'd like to rest with you someday  
  
(How I feel)  
I cannot reach that soul  
You're probably watching over us  
Know that I think of you  
It's killing me  
(How I feel)  
If I would have known   
I can't say what I would have done   
If you could forgive  
I'd like to rest with you someday

(by Adema)


End file.
